Among the dregs of B-movies on Netflix you can find a bizarre softcore sexploitation film called Linda and Abilene. The description reads “In this erotic Western, two orphaned siblings struggle to suppress their feelings when they begin to develop a sexual attraction to each other.” While that may sound like an interesting premise, it really is a struggle to understand what this film is about. Mostly what I took away from it is that women in the old west wore pantyhose, and bad men liked to push them to the ground and dry hump them to death. That is literally how the film begins, and the remainder of the film follows the daughter of our first victim falling into a regular, identical fate, when not doing tedious farm chores. We also learn that once men see a woman nude they can never get the image out of their minds, and it will drive them forever to savagely dry hump every woman they encounter, or masturbate furiously under the covers. Ninety minutes of dry humping and masturbation in the Wild West. Who knew such a film existed? Or needed to exist?