Don't look at this post. It's terrible and shameful. There, I said it.

 

Muddy Mama, River Mama

When you go looking for old westerns you run across a lot of oddballs.  This is one that I found under both River Mama and Muddy Mama.  IMDB has a good synopsis of the plot, although I bet folks didn't watch it for the plot:

Mac "Diamondback" Blackjack and his sidekick Moon haul cargo in their little sternwheeler - but the bulk of their living is made as white slavers, selling lovely young ladies to the gamblers and sod-busters living up-river. Maude is running away from the farm, seeking a life of excitement in old Orleans. Her plan is to hop a ride on Mac's riverboat, unaware of the true nature of his business. Mac is happy to oblige, and wastes no time breaking in "Muddy Maude." Maude, however, is none too happy with his disrespectful attitude, and teams up with Mac's three captives to plan a mutiny. Mac and Moon are forced off the boat, and the girls decide to turn it into a showboat. They all have a swinging time with their customers - and Maude gets sweet on Tim Sweetbreath. The future appears to be rosy ... but unbeknownst to the girls, Mac and Moon are coming back for reclaim their boat..

Dumping the Saddle Bag all Over Your Screen

Sometimes I post because I read something inspiring.  

Sometimes I post because I have something to say.  

Sometimes I post because there is a need to express something deep inside of me and I struggle to find a way to get it out.  

Sometimes I post because I saved a bunch of funny images to Drop Box and I need to clear up some space.

Saddle Tramp

Haven't seen this one, but take a good look at that first image.  That's Hyapatia Lee and Nina Hartley!  Two legends.  Hyapatia Lee is of Cherokee descent and made an effort to do respectful Native American themed adult films.  Not sure if Saddle Tramp counts (although she did write this one as well as star in it), I think she made a better effort in a movie called Snake Dance that I'll post about eventually.

The Good, The Bad, and the Horny 2

I will admit that I have not seen this one.  I really want to see the first before I see the sequel so I can fully embrace the story.

Lipps & McCain

Haven't seen it, to the best of my understanding this is a bio-pic of Senator John McCain's family coming to Arizona.  

The Legend of Barbi-Q and Little Fawn

I can't even make a joke about this one.  

The Diamond Stud

Is this a dirty movie or just a movie from a time when they were dirtier in general?  Here's a quote from the IMDB page:

"This film is about the successful "two-bit chiseling son of a bitch" Diamond Jim. He rides his personal rail around the country, smoking cigars and having love affairs."

Calamity Jane

This might be a selection of deleted scenes from Deadwood.  

Powder Burns

I have no idea what this is about, but look, guys on horses!  Also good to see that the Playboy Bunny look has been around since the 19th century.

The Bone Ranger

From IMDB:

"On Reptilon, a twin planet to Earth, dinosaurs never became extinct, but evolved into two races of highly intelligent space travelers - the Dinosaucers and the Tyrannos. The desperate Dinosaucers have arrived on Earth seeking new energy sources. Tyrannos, however, share nothing and are determined to conquer Earth. It's up to four kids and the Dinosaucers to outmaneuver and outwit the Tyrannos."

That might be a different version of The Bone Ranger.

Pondering that Picture of Josephine Marcus Earp, aka "Sadie"

Josephine "Sadie" Marcus Earp was the mistress-turned-wife of famed lawman Wyatt Earp.  Legend has it that, searching her family belongings after her death, a nude photograph of Mrs. Earp fell out of  book that had belonged to her husband.  This image might have been it- hard to tell, as as I've read that this isn't really Sadie, but popular legend says it is.  This is back in the days before you whipped your phone out of your pocket to text nudes to your boyfriend; heck, this was before digital cameras and Polaroid.  In the 1880's you really had to go out of your way to get a naked picture to your loved ones.

This image was recreated in the dueling Wyatt Earp films of the 1990's.  Tombstone is most people's favorite, but Mrs. Slap and I agree that Wyatt Earp was best.  They both did a nice job with Sadie.

Cowpoke Pride: Brokeback Night at Midnight Theater

In celebration of LGBT History Month, 

Midnight Theater takes great PRIDE in presenting 

Brokeback Night!

Quickshots: Eminence Hill

Upon watching Eminence Hill I determined that I need a new metric for a

movie- did the movie put me to sleep? 

Let’s take the same Eminence Hill as an example.  It started off with a tense, dramatic moment setting up what promises to be a bloody tale of vengeance.  Then it kind of wandered off until some spicy campfire scenes grabbed my attention, followed by an absurd scene of a pair of Apaches stealing horses from our main characters by (I kid you not) walking up to them while they slept five feet from their mounts, shushing a captive, then riding away.  The great horse thieves of the plains are surely rolling over in their graves.  At some point conservatively dressed but thoroughly dangerous looking lawman walked into a saloon and ordered some tea after an awkward encounter with…

…and then I woke up.  Mrs. Slap had just come home, we put on some chili, and I don’t think I’ll ever get back to this one. 

The cast, sets, and wardrobe were by turns great or ridiculous.  If I were a more attentive viewer I would have followed the plot better, but consider this- no one has to make you follow the plot to Empire Strike Back.  You are in from the first shot, and I certainly wasn’t on this one.

Outland: Beyond the Far West

Outland: Beyond the Far West!  Steampunk Wild West Porn!  

I was able to catch one scene.  Great costumes.  Lots of grunting.  That's about the best review I can give at the moment.

Big Kill, Big Fun

It’s hard to know just what to make of Big Kill.  It’s got all the hallmarks of a low budget western- the plot is fairly simple (lots of discussion of rustling but I don’t think you ever see a cow), the same sets gets used over and over, the cast has a bunch of faces you kind of recognize, and a lot that you don’t.

But it’s also a lot of fun and made with love.  The sets, while few, are great.  None of the leads are big names but there’s a mountain of B-list or formerly A-now-B-list actors rounding out the cast: Jason Patric, Lou Diamond Phillips, Danny Trejo.  Their direction seems to have been pretty much “go have fun.”  These aren’t award winning performances, but you can tell they are all enjoying the freedom to ham it up and overact to their heart’s content.

Big Kill is written and directed by Scott Martin, who you almost certainly have never heard of and seems to have spent more of his career as a producer than anything else (I’ve been a producer, it’s a tough job).  He’s also one of the leads, as one of a pair of scoundrelous cowboys who help a tenderfoot find his way to Big Kill, once a big town and now a big mystery.  Frontier mayhem, organized crime, great sets and costumes, and Lou Diamond Philips at has gall derned best.  Go watch it.  Streaming everywhere.

Also, Stephanie Baren is amazing as Felicia Stiletto.

Scott Martin & Stephanie Baren

Felicia Stiletto

Quick Shots: Dust

I will now do my best to explain the film Dust.

It is a UK-Italian-German-Spanish-Macedonian spaghetti western.  

Yup, that might actually be the best way to sum this one up!

It’s actually pretty good, a nice mix of action, sex, and a hint of artistic flourish that you love in the cool spaghetti westerns of the 1970’s, although this one was released in 2001.  The narrative structure has been described as Cubist; it hops time frames and viewpoints like mad.  At first you might not realize you are watching a western, but hang in there!

Joseph Fiennes (Shakespeare in Love and every historical drama you loved) and David Wenham (Lord of the Rings, 300, Van Helsing, etc) star, which is way more acting chops than you might expect.  The story interestingly starts in the American west then ends up in the Balkan Wars of the early 1900s (and you may recall that pre-9/11 the Balkans were center of armed conflict, genocide, and geopolitical posturing between crumbling superpowers, whereas today most people either can’t find them on a map or vaguely know that Donald Trump’s 3rd wife is from there).

Great acting in an art film / western with sex and gunfights  Go see it already!

Midnight Theater Presents: Bad Beulah (sequel with Merkabah Rider coming soon!)

Not sure if the formal title is “Bad Beulah”, “Big Bad Beulah”, or “Bad Black Beulah”.  I’m not going to do any better describing this movie than the single review from the Internet Movie Data Base.  Turns out it’s pretty easy to find with a minute of searching the title, but the reference to the genie in the spittoon, while funny, really turned me off, so I’m giving this one a pass.  Fun poster and screengrabs, though!  

Hey, there's a genie in it, does this count as a weird western?  Maybe the Merkabah Rider makes an appearance.  Crap, perhaps I should watch it...

Here’s the review right off of IMDB:

Extremely low-budget porno has a woman working in a Western town where she's forced to perform sex. After the act she's cleaning out a spittoon when a genie pops out granting her a wish. From here we see various sex scenes involving the genie who manages to use his magic to change who he's having sex with, how many and, as the title states, their skin color.

BAD BLACK BEULAH is just one of the many forgotten porn titles to turn up on Exploitation.TV and if you're a fan of these things then you'll probably enjoy this one. The film was shot on an obviously small budget and it seems like the majority of the cast were probably picked up at the bus terminal and asked if they wanted to make some cash. There's certainly nothing special or overly memorable here and I'm willing to guess that the people who saw this in 1975 were probably on 42nd Street and this came on as the fourth feature.

Again, if you like this low-budget features that clock in less than a hour then there's plenty of sex here.

Firearms safety is important

Church social.  Or an orgy.  Hard to tell.